Monday, May 30, 2005 / 11:07 PM
hmm...well...both devon's contacts have magically been deleted from my msn...and also there is a "hi" magically written inside my blue shorts that appear to be in his handwriting...i feel so abducted...in other news...i went to missoula and saw "unleashed" with my cousins...it's a jet li movie and strangely enough it was a really good movie...but the plot was odd. then we rented movies and watched them in their camper til 5 in the morning...ian turned into kelly's doggy...and around 3 kyle woke up and jumped up and down and said a long stream of cockney accent for half an hour while making us all green tea in some strange euphoria...today we walked around at the mall...nothing happened...
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viewer discretion advised
Sunday, May 29, 2005 / 12:05 AM
but how could it be infected if it doesn't even sting? it's just been redder than normal for the past couple days. doesn't really feel that much worse. the lump is still there though....hmmwell i hope my ear doesn't fall off. and i went almost the whole day without painkillers for apocalypse. but i'm not quite so sick today...i think
i did NOTHING today! i think that's really cool
i never say stuff like this because it's nearly impossible to attain, i've had this problem since i was 8 years old...but i wish i had better skin. i tried every single over the counter crap, every single prescription topical crap, and then it got to the point of oral crap so i've been on antibiotics and birth control for the past two years. it still doesn't GO AWAY!!!!!!!
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:(
Saturday, May 28, 2005 / 12:57 PM
it's definitely infected. last night i took the backing off because it was all swollen and i couldn't figure out why. i had never taken it off before because it's really hard to get off and the lady never told me that i should. when i did i found all this dead skin/dried up lymphatic fluid on the inside of it. then this morning i found a lump under the hole in the back. gotta be pus. no wonder it was infected...every time i turned it it must have gotten more of that crud inside of it from the backing. so i'm just going to clean it every 10 minutes and see what happens. and i'm leaving the back off for a few days at least, and if i ever put it back on i'll be sure to clean it off every day... they told me if it ever gets infected to take it out within 24 hours for cartilage because it could get in my blood stream or my ear will deform...............but i'm not going to unless it gets worse because i think it's getting better...the only thing that hurts is the pocket of crud...but yeah...aren't i glad i took it off...
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self destruct sequence activated
Friday, May 27, 2005 / 9:45 PM
wow. i really feel like crap. i have brain explodey...and throat explodey...and ear explodey...goodnight0 comments
troix!
/ 2:14 PM
this is the last friday of our high school lives. this is the last weekend of our high school lives. less than a week from now we will be leaving the building for the last time into freedom and a false sense of endless possibilities (if you don't believe me, ask any adult). but that's okay...the bounce in my step might return. i will be rejuvinated. school makes me forget who i am. summer is the time to remember. i think i wrote something like that in here around this time last year........but it's not all good. something happened to someone i used to know (someone who encouraged my cousin to use drugs! AOSGIHSADFAS!!! forget that, don't read this parenthesis message), and it didn't even surprise me because i had a dream similar to this in october. what makes it worse is that i'm extremely extremely empathic, especially of people i'm really close to. that means marshall's feelings dump all over me and weigh me down like an anvil in my chest. i really really felt the need to leave the kitchen last night but i somehow got the willpower to tolerate all the...absorbency.
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quatro
Thursday, May 26, 2005 / 3:01 PM
maybe i don't have as much as i thought anymore. i finished the dayton lane report thing yesterday and one more calculus final tomorrow which i'm only going to study minimally for so ha...maybe i should study for economics....mrs. jones talked to me about why i didn't get any scholarships. she was basically inconclusive. isn't that dumb.
when johnny went to hell, senor diablo told him he was a flusher. i think i'm a flusher.
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cinco dias
Wednesday, May 25, 2005 / 2:59 PM
well wasn't lunch fun...and i'm sick. my throat is sore and i'm coughing...and my brain is exploding.and to top it off, the apocalypse strikes approximately...saturday!
THIS is the point where i start laughing at the horribleness.
keep in mind that i have hours upon hours of homework every day for the next week.
so until then...my batteries need changing. or you can just pump me with lithium ions and throw me in the recharger for 382374 billion years
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Monday, May 23, 2005 / 10:15 PM
so i did homework for six hours today. yay go me *high fives self in face*and i get to do it all again tomorrow!
and then i get to fail another test!
and my acne is spreading onto my stomach and my back and chest are all infected! just thought you might want to know. i guess that's what stress does.
sandra tested me for stones after belly dancing. i get rose quartz, citrine, and peridot.
why am i in a good mood right now? oh well, that's just perfectly fine with me
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seven days
/ 2:45 PM
calculus final #1...definitely failedi don't even care anymore. the only class i needed to graduate was government/economics. piece of cakey.
i tried to get a job somewhere else today. they told me NOOOOO. at least they straight out told me instead of leading me on like...THEM.
i got a graduation card from one of my dad's friends from west virginia who i've never even met. there was a $50 bill in it. holy crap.
now if i had a job, i could be whipping three of those out a week. college money, no problem...yeah right...i hope my parents won't hate me...i don't understand why they don't mind giving me all that...i feel very extremely guilty right now...
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satisfy my soul
Sunday, May 22, 2005 / 6:31 PM
imagine all the time i wouldn't have wasted by not filling out all of those scholarship and job applications. hours upon hours. upon hours.if none of it was meant to be mine, what is?
my mom said we're just repeating the past now. the very same happened to her. she cursed me. at least she had a job.
marshall deserves so much better than me. it's almost like he wants me to be something i'm not. like...perfect. whatever i do, he still isn't satisfied. i miss him.
---
Hey can you hear me?
I'm calling your name
Hello? Or is this goodbye?
The gleam in your eyes
It troubles my brain
Will I see it again?
So I can rest my head
Angel...Angel...Dancing away
As all of my thoughts get rearranged
Angel...Angel...Turning away
Just when things seem
To have changed
So I can rest my head
Hey can you hear me?
I'm calling your name
Hello? Or is this goodbye?
The gleam in your eyes
It troubles my brain
Will I see it again?
So I can rest my head
-if you don't know this song i don't like you
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Thursday, May 19, 2005 / 2:29 PM
wow, and yet another wrench has been thrown at me after i thought it couldn't get any worse.0 comments
Wednesday, May 18, 2005 / 9:15 PM
why the bink thing. they think it's so god damn hilarious. they rub it in my face every day. let it be over. no more anyone to make fun of me. i want to be alone forever. stop trying to make me happy. stop trying to give me false hope, and in the end realizing that i was the one that was right in the first place. i would rather have no dreams than shattered dreams. and i would rather have my dreams than your dreams.and the scholarship thing. everyone in my calculus class has at least 3000 dollars worth already. mrs. peck comes in every day and gives a few people a little envelope saying congratulations. none for me. i should burn.
everyone asking so much of me, and giving none in return. i'm happy to do so, but for 18 years? no.
i think i just aced my calculus test.
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005 / 6:34 PM
my grandma's here for my graduation. i haven't seen her for two years. school is almost over. calculus finals are next week. my mom says i'm going to miss high school, but i think i'm going to doubt that. sure, i'll miss the friends but at least i'll get to visit. maybe after school gets out i'll stop being so exhausted all the time. i need a change.5 comments
Monday, May 16, 2005 / 8:20 PM
| Advanced Global Personality Test Results
|
personality tests by similarminds.com
Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion results were very low which suggests you are extremely reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
trait snapshot:
introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual
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Sunday, May 15, 2005 / 8:49 PM
um let's see...friday we went to visit roo...we met some of her family...and hung out in her room and i tuned her guitar and eustacia busted the e string in retaliation for roo rubbing sparkly perfume on her that she was allergic to...and went to dairy queen where we saw that english teacher that quit and annoyed everyone else and roo demanded oreos....saturday i spent most the day reading and sleeping...but then we dubbed metropolis and that was just...horrible
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Thursday, May 12, 2005 / 2:41 PM
and so i walked shamefully out of the job service with yet another job application. after the college students get back in town it shall be deemed completely hopeless. again. i've been wondering where roo has been since she never told me she was going anywhere, and she hasn't been online. and then i just read her blog....i'm sorry about your grandpa. he sounds like the bomb. i hope you get back in school soon because we miss you. and i had to drop fake blood from 120 cm up onto a dotted line on the floor. lacey went home sick so i did it all aloon. mr obrien called me deadeye because i was doing pretty good without having a second person to help me eye it. but i think he called everyone that, whether sarcastic or not...so yeah...maybe we'll have zimfest soon because euie is staying here for the next...while...0 comments
the definition of Me in one quizilla result!
Wednesday, May 11, 2005 / 9:14 PM
You need security.
There has been many changes in your life and
you have had to live in an unstable
environment. This has led you to be suspicious
and always on guard. Your mind has a hard time
unwinding and this could lead to you having
sleeping problems, since you think too much.
People are a category you don't give much trust
at, and find yourself to be a better secret
keeper than they could ever be. Because in your
changing world you have learned that you only
have yourself at all times.
What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
brought to you by Quizilla
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pictures!
Monday, May 09, 2005 / 2:36 PM
my mom and I at kootenai fallssiblings at kootenai falls
and also me with gizmo
us at the end of dad's ride at libby dam
my family is freaky sometimes
caterpillar!
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Sunday, May 08, 2005 / 6:20 PM
not too bad of a weekend, other than i hate being cramped up in one room/car with my family because my dad and brother never shut up. i can't concentrate at all unless it's completely silent, which only happens when i'm alone. i'm so tired right now. my dad was in the 2-day tosrv ride again in libby, and the rest of us went walking during the day. we went to kootenai falls. it's really nice there. we went walking around downtown too. my mom found this really cool pendulum and had to have it. then we started experimenting with it...you wouldn't believe it. well bye3 comments
motivation...lost
Friday, May 06, 2005 / 2:21 PM
how lame is that. no matter how hard i try. it's all worth nothing. time and time again, people prove that they're so much better than me. if someone would just give me one fucking chance. now i have to try and forget everything i was hoping for. i'm back at square one. and i'm staying there.i don't blame jeremy for picking them instead of me. they're nicer, happier, prettier. but not more capable. all amy does all art period is nothing. they both laugh a lot. maybe that's why. i don't laugh much.
it wouldn't be so hard if they didn't talk about it. but they do. a lot.
so...no job. no scholarship. this means my parents have to pay for everything. it isn't my fault. i have a 3.8 gpa. i'm graduating with honors next month. i applied for every scholarship that didn't have to do with financial need. i haven't missed a single day of school since 7th grade. is that so WRONG??
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hollow
Thursday, May 05, 2005 / 2:22 PM
amy got the job. jamie got the job. clarissa didn't. she isn't good enough.0 comments
Wednesday, May 04, 2005 / 10:51 AM
hey guess what. i slept last night!!!!!!! but i'm still tired. and hmm...there is a strange sore on my right index finger. i must have been poking my ring in my sleep or something. the ear i had to take the earring out of is pretty much totally healed already...but i'm going to wait til the other one heals so that i'll have one ear to sleep on after i get it done again...yay i get to miss the meth assembly! ner0 comments
BAD luck
Monday, May 02, 2005 / 8:17 PM
so it turns out the one i had to take out hurts worse than the one with the earring still in, which doesn't hurt at all. the lady mentioned something about her gun shooting weird too. stupid el-cheapo walmart. yet jessie tells me otherwise. she was the one who raved about me getting it done there. and then my hands are really weak now because i had to spraypaint primer on the chair i'm going to paint. and then i ran out so i have to go all the way back to walmart tomorrow to get more...and then paint some more. i can barely even type this. they're all...shakey...wootat least my mom didn't freak out. she thought it was kinda nifty. and at first she thought I had done it at the new tattoo place that i never knew existed. nope...
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SHIT
/ 5:47 PM
GOD F#@$o)*(@&#%!!!!!!!! one of them went in sideways so it was hurting my ear really bad so i had to take it out!!!! SO NOW I HAVE TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!3 comments
/ 3:27 PM
well i did something today that's either really stupid or really cool. i got my ears pierced and no one knows it but me!.......at walmart. and i'm also obliged to go with roo when/if she goes and gets hers done...i hope my mom doesn't freak out...either she'll like it first off or she won't like it at first and then like it later...what's my dad gonna say................blaaahhh2 comments
you all think i'm a freak now
Sunday, May 01, 2005 / 7:33 PM
it was fun! we went to see lawrence and sandra give a talk (yeah the cool people i work for) about egypt and kirlian photography and billy meier and the history of ankhs. and after that i got the kirlian photography done. it's really cool. you put your hand inside of this sleeve and press your fingertips down on the surface at the bottom. underneath that surface is polaroid paper that records all the electromagnetic energy coming out of your fingertips for about three seconds. she did that twice for each hand. the pictures look like eight blue loops. and i found out (well not really) that i'm overworking myself, my digestive system is weak, i don't speak up enough, and i don't get enough sleep (gee, never woulda guessed). she also said i'm a starperson because my pinky was especially bright. but i pretty much knew that too. so then she let me pick out an ankh that i have to wear over my heart for a few weeks. they're especially for star people and it's made out of a crystal at the bottom and the rest is gold, silver and copper wire. so then after awhile she'll probably photograph me again to see if i've gotten brighter (the loops were pretty weak and broken up). and next time we get together she's going to add some more rocks to it. she's deducting all this out of my paycheck, so yay.2 comments