Wednesday, September 10, 2008 / 12:26 AM
I'm posting all my myspace bloggage on here, because I'm deleting them on there.
Disclaimer: The way I felt then isn't necessarily the way I feel now.
17 Feb 2008
this has been a year of so much self discovery. and it's only february. i've become comfortable with what i am, comfortable with others, and know what i want out of life. i know who my true friends are. even if i refuse to talk to some of them. there are those who will always be there for me, and there will be those who just want in the pants. i'm not that easy. i'm a heartbreaker at heart. ironic statement? i think yes.it involves pain. it involves hurting myself, and worst of all, hurting others. it involves experimentation. it involves standing up for myself. it involves taking everything two steps too far. it involves not giving a shit about what anyone thinks of me, and a whole lot of good humor. all while keeping my head on my shoulders. and it is so inspiring. it's just a maze. sometimes you have to backtrack. sometimes you can just laugh it off. one big win is the sum of many small losses.there is no wrong or right. there is an eight fold path. the way of the tao. indulgence of the satanist. the rush of a daredevil and a curiosity for life itself. flush your ego and your box and your churchgoing ways. just believe.to everyone else, i'd probably seem as if i've gone far downhill since june the 17th. i've again more than touched base with my punk roots and vagabond lifestyle and no longer despise or deny it. i'm not the goody goody dick-whipped fiance i once was. i've become a slacker in school, unable to focus on any one thing, and can't seem to commit myself to anything or anyone for more than a week. i answer to no one and take no prisoners. i dance and sing as if no one were there to witness. and through all the so-called chaos, i've never felt so connected with everyone i meet. i've never known so many wonderful people all at one time.there is nothing but love in me.
02 Mar 2008
this blog appears to be about what happens inside my brain, whereas my blogspot one is about what happens outside of it, which only the select few know of. you'd think it would be the other way around, but that's just how it goes. so if you don't want to read more venting that most likely has nothing to do with you, read no further!lately it's all just been a bunch of fighting, confusion, silent treatments, selfishness, immaturity on the part of others. here's how it usually goes. and this happens at least three times a month in real life, plus maybe five more on the internet. i go out on the date/start talking on the internet, the person is really cool, we become good friends. later they say they're in love with me and i say uhh, i don't feel the same way. sure, i want to like them, but my heart, or lack thereof, is too bruised and broken to love again. immediately they turn their back on me. put the blame on me. that it's my fault. 90% of the time they never speak to me again.
i don't really have any other options. what else could i do, lead everyone on while not letting any one person know about the rest? that's not how i roll. pretend like i'm in love with someone? that isn't humanly possible. i can't fucking force myself to fall in love. that isn't how it works. and apparently that's really, really, really, really, really, really, really hard for guys to understand. my only plausible option is to be a hermit. i can't have only friends who are girls. we just don't mix most of the time.and i can't tell very many people about this other than a myspace blog. i don't have too many friends who don't or haven't want(ed) to screw me at one point. they say you can count all your true friends on one hand. it's true. i just want a friend. and they're all temporary. they will all leave me when they figure out i'm broken. {except for Mark.} because it's the easy way out for them. it's selfish.it's perfectly okay to hate me. but please, hate me for who i am. not for what your friend who has never met me in his life said that i am. that is weak and childish, not to mention mind-numbingly gullible. we aren't in middle school anymore, for the love of god. i'm 21 years old. i'm a third year medical technology major at the university of montana. think about it long and hard now: me=dumb bitch? think.i never was a fan of the human race. it's a race down the same path, over and over again. i'm on the edge here. is there anyone out there?
25 Mar 2008
here i am again, writing the same old thing with a slightly different combination of simplistic, earthly words. words make me sound so lame. my mind is an entire separate universe than the english language. i’m really lonely right now and there’s no one to talk to. yet another sign of weakness. i’m supposed to be good at this. bottling it. knowing no one understands. well i guess some people do. but they’ll give up on me soon enough. that or i’m even crazier than previously thought. yay. i guess i always show up on my myspace blog when something is eating away at my mind. i don’t know what i’m looking for. all previous dreams have been shattered. it’s not like i’ve made any new plausible ones. i can’t make friends because i’ll hurt them. "she’s got issues" must have really been about me. now she talks about her ex nonstop, but i don’t mind.... when will i talk about dumb things that matter, like how work went today, how did my exam go? who cares? why don’t you talk? why don’t you smile more? why why why? hey, at least i have an understanding of happiness. that is a miracle within itself. it’s an insanely, incomprehensible amount of improvement. course no one realizes that other than my mom. i’m supposed to fit into everyone else’s standards because they don’t understand me. they just tell me it doesn’t matter, try to insult him to make me feel better, which does the polar opposite. oh yay, i’m finally tired. i can sleep. my only escape. i bet i’m slipping down your top friends some more if you’re read this far, if i’m even on it anymore. hooray for polson making me emo. thank god my dad got fired. bye kids. BYE.
i have a stick up my ass and i dress like an idiot and i’m a snob and i treat everyone like shit and my family brought me up all wrong, at least that’s what my "friend" klaus always told me. hooray for friends. actually, hooray for him completely ignoring me these days. i have a fish. his name is thor. he is my best friend. we shall be wed in the spring. oh yeah, i’m supposed to be saying bye. i find it so laughable that everyone finds me such a terrible person. i’m seriously not that bad. not bad at all. i’m a good person. yea, just keep telling myself that...
10 Apr 2008
the decalogue varies within the orthodox/jewish , islam, christian, roman catholic, lutheran, etc. religions. this is the christian version.
- "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; you shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments."
Catholic teaching distinguishes between dulia—paying honor to God through contemplation of objects such as paintings and statues—and latria—adoration directed to God alone. (See Catechism 2084–2141.)
This seems to imply that there are, in fact, other gods other than god "him"self...(I don't believe god is a dude. what's the point of having a dick when you're god? plus, if there really are in fact other gods up there, that would be one hell of a sausage fest. and if god really is as much of a homophobe as the majority of "his" followers are...yeah. no any sense.) But the biggest peeve I have here is that god is "a jealous god". that is just disturbing. I don't consider myself much of a jealous-type person, so does this imply that I'm better than god? if so, does this mean that this supposed god is not worth being worshipped by me? god isn't jealous. i perceive god to be perfect in all aspects. in other words, "he" doesn't give a shit what "his" creations believe or don't believe. when we're born, we forget what exists beyond our human perceptions anyway, for the sake of concentrating on what we are to learn in that life. therefore, it's completely understandable to be agnostic or atheist, or even a worshipper of "another god".
- "You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not acquit anyone who misuses his name."
This commandment prohibits not just swearing but the misappropriation of religious language in order to commit a crime, participating in occult practices, and blaspheming against places or people that are holy to God. (See Catechism 2142–2167.)
Again, I really don't think god gives a crap. I forgive such petty things, so couldn't god? and when people say OMG, it's kinda taken out of context. as we've been taught over and over again, god forgives all sins, so what does it matter anyway? --if there is really such a thing as a sin for that matter. sins are just mistakes that we learn from, which is the very reason we are alive. "sins" are good things. yeah, tangent. next.
- "Observe the sabbath day and keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God; you shall not do any work—you, or your son or your daughter, or your male or female slave, or your ox or your donkey, or any of your livestock, or the resident alien in your towns, so that your male and female slave may rest as well as you. Remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the sabbath day."
wait a minute...SLAVE?!?!?! GOD FORGIVES SLAVERY BUT NOT A LITTLE F-BOMB? CHRIST! (haha i just perpetrated 2, irony?) we're supposedly saved from the land of slavery, then own slaves ourselves? that's just sick and wrong.
4. "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, so that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you."
This commandment emphasizes the family as part of God's design, as well as an extended metaphor that God uses for his relationship with his creation. (See Catechism 2197–2257.)
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5. "(Roman Catholic) You shall not kill / (Lutheran) You shall not murder"
The right of states to execute criminals is not absolutely forbidden by this commandment. However, other methods of protecting society (incarceration, rehabilitation) are increasingly available and more in keeping with other Christian moral teaching. Catholics (along with many Protestants) also consider abortion sinful and a violation of this commandment. War, if rigorous conditions of moral legitimacy are met (that is, the "use of arms must not produce evils and disorders graver than the evil to be eliminated"), is not a violation because "governments cannot be denied the right of lawful self-defense, once all peace efforts have failed." (See Catechism 2258–2330.)
....that was the longest list of exceptions ever. lulz.
(my couple exceptions – (self defense is fine and good, but i don't think killing is particularly necessary 99% of the time) i consider abortions ok in some cases. if you were raped and became pregnant and were unable to care for it, it's not your fault. if i were a little fetus who knew i'd have to live with a mother who didn't want me, for the love of god, kill me now! adoption is dumb - the human population is probably high above carrying capacity right now. we're destroying mother earth as it is. okay so number two that god who supposedly wrote this stuff failed to mention is killing for food. other animals do it so i guess it's okay for us too. i just feel really bad about it. i'd become a strict vegetarian, but protein is something i need, especially since i'm prone to depression, and protein is the only thing that allows us to synthesize seratonin. animals have feelings too ya know. tangent. next.)
.6. "Neither shall you commit adultery."
Adultery is the breaking of the holy bond between husband and wife, and is thus a sacrilege. This commandment includes not just the act of adultery, but lust as well. (See Catechism 2331–2400.)
sometimes people just need to get a divorce. people change. never fear change. it's the only constant in our universe. and with the lust thing...for some people it's probably uncontrollable, and therefore forgivable. god gave us hormones, so blame him, not me. haha.
7. "Neither shall you steal."
(See Catechism 2401–2463.)
...by the way, I stole this from wikipedia. i s'pose this is free-for-all though, so yeah, no stealin'.
8. "Neither shall you bear false witness against your neighbor."
This commandment forbids misrepresenting the truth in relations with others. This also forbids lying. (See Catechism 2464–2513.)
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."Neither shall you covet your neighbor's wife."
(See Catechism 2514–2533.)
Umm...what if I'm straight?
10. "Neither shall you desire your neighbor's house, or field, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."
(See Catechism 2534–2557.)
kin i has ur slavez lulz? yeah, okay, other than that, i approve. wanting things is a distraction. which directly leads us into buddhism. this is the basic understanding:
The four noble truths
Dukkha: life is full of suffering.
Sanudaya: Suffering is caused by wants.
Nirodha: To rid yourself of suffering, rid yourself of wants.
Marga: To rid yourself of wants, follow the eightfold path.
Yes, if you did follow this strictly enough you'd probably end up being an apathetic bum on the street. But the aim here is being able to be happy without all the worldly possessions and relationships that society tells us we need. All you need is yourself. Things will always, always turn out as they should, so there is no need to want or worry. Just follow the eight fold path.
Sila is morality—abstaining from unwholesome deeds of body and speech. Within the division of sila are three parts of the Noble Eightfold Path:
- Right Speech—One speaks in a non hurtful, not exaggerated, truthful way
- Right Actions—Wholesome action, avoiding action that would do harm
- Right Livelihood—One's way of livelihood does not harm in any way oneself or others; directly or indirectly
Samadhi is developing mastery over one's own mind. Within this division are another three parts of the Noble Eightfold Path:
- Right Effort/Exercise—One makes an effort to improve
- Right Mindfulness/Awareness—Mental ability to see things for what they are with clear consciousness
- Right Concentration/Meditation—Being aware of the present reality within oneself, without any craving or aversion.
Prajña is the wisdom which purifies the mind. Within this division fall two more parts of the Noble Eightfold Path:
- Right Understanding—Understanding reality as it is, not just as it appears to be.
- Right Thoughts—Change in the pattern of thinking.
And that there is the metric system of the ten commandments. My point? Ice cream is fucking delicious.16 Apr 2008
yes, this is the most dreaded day of the year. it would have been four years. woulda coulda shoulda. kinda funny how i'm sitting here singing along to green day. they can always sing exactly what i'm thinking. time waits for no one. and neither do i.i've been rejected by pretty much everyone at this point in time. i don't wait around for anyone. i'm having fun, and i'm having fun alone. and people think i'm even weirder because of it. what did you expect? aren't you afraid of the creepers, they say? i accept my fate. i have no hope or good expectations for the human race really. i know it sounds emo, but it's true. i play in the park at night. i spend a good deal of my time walking around the clark fork by myself. i've gotten every single one of my piercings alone. most of the concerts i've ever gone to, i've gone to alone. actually i'm driving three hours on friday to see another by myself, to a town i've never been before, with no place to stay and with nothing but a few dollars, a half broken mp3 player, and a drivers license. it's going to be sweet.i'm intense. i'm intellectual. and i think it scares people away. know what i say?fuck you.so here's to another four years.
27 Apr 2008
don't wanna fall in love. it's like a painful vice of mind and body controlling your every thought and action. like selling your soul to the devil. it always ends all wrong. all the more reason to want to be held. love will tear us apart.
i'm pretty much useless with or without someone.
i knew he was the only one for me. knew. i was wrong. so now i second guess myself. what if this person isn't for me? what if i wasn't meant for anyone? what if i'm just complicating everyone's lives?
i don't really like analyzing things like this. i want to just be with someone just because i love him. not to push myself away because i'm scared. just love as if i've never been hurt. it's tough not to over analyze. my brain's all i've got to entertain myself.
and it's tough trying to explain my thoughts to people. i'm aware of the walls around me. and yes, it's exhilarating to hop over them sometimes. but i'm too weak to hop all of the time. i need to be stronger. but just because i'm weak doesn't mean i'm not trying. people have no patience with me. "just fuck me now and i'll leave you alone," i can hear your body screaming at me. you know how many times i've been groped over these past months? i simply wanted a friendship, and they wanted sex. so shallow. so hollow. why go through the motions when we don't even have that mental connection. you know the feeling. equality and trust. the simple comfort of my face pressed between your shoulder blades. mutual understanding of our shared insanity. hahaha.
i'm not crazy, i'm just very intense and need a faithful friend. or maybe just some validation that i'm not. or nothing. whatever.
18 May 2008
it was warm, it was blustery. clouds lazily drifted through the welcoming sky to hide and reveal and hide the sun again. the song of birds, the gentle sweeping of waves, the laughter of children.
always constant...yet ever changing. this is where we fell in love. this is where we say goodbye. this is my stability, my end of the world, my blood, sweat, and tears. yet i am still able to keep my composure as we embrace, and all memory floods over the dam that i've been building in my mind for the past 11 months. every mole and birthmark, the indescribable eye color and loving smile as they connect with mine, every inside joke and gesture and how--
and then there was silence.
earth-shattering silence.
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